"It looks like you smoked pot when you did it"- dad........ I love him!! lol

One of my friedn erin had twins three months ago and one ofthem, the smallest, emma, died this past week. i didn;t go to the funeral because i would have brokedown. Not only outta sadness but because everytime i go to a funeral home or a graveyard i have an anxiety attch of some sort... my biggest fear is death and the unknown so i jst dont take death well. But Emmas Death showed me how short  of a life we have and how we have to speand every day as if there may not be another one.

 My mother found all the poem i wrote brought them to teh lawyer and yet another 200 bucks goes down the drain...... there goes my cllege money man.Oh well ,not like she likes me anyway: in fact, she wouldn't give me therest of my clothes and such. So i inded up callling around town thursday trying to find my brother so i could steal my own things from my old house. SUCESS... my new room is now a lil less empty and a lil more like home.

Speaking of mothers... i called my stepmom mom today by accident. She really is like my mother though. She is always there to talk and treats me like her own daughter. She loves me so much she is actually gonna adopt me..... i've never had someone love me that much. I finally feel at home here living with my dad i do have to admit.

well lets see what happened to me today. First i woke up at 6:30 because someone sean didn't wake me up, and my alarm clock is broke. So needless to say i missed the bus. Then i went to school looking like crap, and saw all the ppl i hate to know. Then i wnet to first hour and failed a pop quiz and i didn't turn in a section review but i see it as not being my fault anyway sonce i was absent. Then i went to rd hour where i sat and watched ben do his odd couple performance.. ooh man he is so good. He needs to get into acting, he would be great. Then i went to fourth hour where i had a project... thank god spanish is my strong point, i made 100. Then Pe we just sat around... lunch sucked because no one ever talks to me at lunch and i hate sitting by renee when jorden is there... third wheelish.So yea 6th hour we had a speaker i swear to god if i had a tape of him speaking, i would never have to count sheep ever again to help myself go to bed. So then 7th hour i dont even quit remember what we did i was too busy yelling at geoffry for being suck a dickler about sexism.

So then i came home talked to ashleigh abut my dream which i will explain about in a minute. So then after that my step mom picked me up and we went shopping.................. i hate shopping. I hate being fat. its like i could try on everything and still feel like a cow, i always wonder why god made me fat? Does he hate me? Did i do something wrong as a child.. when i was skinny???...... i hate life


So that dream................ OK so i was at school. And the peole who are living with us, the householders, well they were like the great ansesters of hitler. And the whole school revolted against them. And i was standing up or them. Sothen the whole school went after me. And as i was running down the main hall right when i got to the E wing a guy, who we will call bob here because i know he reads this, Rescued me. It was like straight outta a movie. So then we were waiting for the large mob to go down the hall when we made a break for it. We ended up in the front of the school, by the anchor. And tahts when "bob" said, "you know, i've been thinking...... Everytime i see you in the halls, i can't help but stare at you. When we talk i never wanna interupt you because you may stop and taht may be the last time i hear you speak for that day. and i've found myself passing by your classes when i go to the bathroom... and well i love you." And thats when he bent down and kissed me. And i woke up. But what i find odd about this dream is that all day it has been replaying in my mind and i can't get "bob" off my mind. And when i saw him today i almost melted like butter..... whats wrong with me???


the fear of staying fat forever

Well i went to the ska show and i guess it was ok. I got up and skanked onstage. Then Mrs.Denise talked to me and i'm heading up a street team. Hopefully the used and other ppl come so i can meet them when i'm on the street team.

I'm sick of letting myself get involved with guys that just fall through the floor. I mean especially when the guy u like likes someone else.. :(

Well now i'm depressed again.. night

the fear that he will never see me in teh way i see him

Well lets see whats up with me. I went to Java last night and it sucked. I didn't even get to see Julie or Stephen play...... wtf!! And then I met some chick April who gave me some fucked up cig. It was like plastic... i dont know how i feel about that. It burnt out so quickly. Anyway then i saw robbie for the first time since that thursday. But you wanna hear something funny.... i didn't have any feelings towards him last night. Which may be because i like someone else now.... but for me it was more of closher (sp?) lol i knwo i hate spelling!!!

Ooh and my next door neighbor spied on me and ashleigh and told us we were rude for swimming in my pool!! and he had a pitchfork and a plunger.. fucked up kid.

Today was amazing. I made a 300/300 on my research paper bitch!!! yea thats right.. wowza!!! Tomorrow is adams concert.. YAY for kamiskaze!!!... well i'll ttyl

the fear he will never see me as more

But yea it sucks. They sing rap... out of beat to make it all worst..... blah :(


Living at my dads is super cool......its better then psycho bitch mother.