Let see i went back to school today and i have like a shit load of make up work... boo on school.. seriously there is like one full week left and three days so why are they still teaching me??? I mean exams start next week.. wtf man. So i had a test in math but i was like fuck that i wasn't even here yesterday. So i'm supose to make it up tomorrow.. i'll get into that later. So then i had a spanish project due today but i told my teacher my head was in the toilet all day yesterday so i got outta it till tomorrow!! woop!! woop!! Then in english i have three poems to analyize.. boo on english. So yea i came home to do my homework and make up work but i was like hey.. i got all night. Then it hit four and i was like well maybe i should start. So i did. I got all the way through 2 poem analizations and then ashleigh called. She wanted me to go to java. But i was supose to get tutored tonight for my math test tomorrow since we all know erika needs a good grade in math. So ashleigh was liek hey i will tutor you there... which never happened. So i will not take the test tomorrow its not like i go to that class anyway so i mean wahts the point, right?
So java tonight.... I got there and i was wearing that skirt everyone thinks i made by hand.. haha NO!!! and umm alyssa drove me up and as i got out the car some kid yelled out.. "Honey Your to fat for that" i swear i almost cryed. I thought that skirt looks good on me, i'm prob never gonna wear it again now.. :(. then to make it worst the lake was iving off this horrible wind so the skirt was like flying up which made me even more uncomfortable. Dusten was being an ass and wouldn;t bring me home.. which i like live right down the freaking street anyway..... so i asked my broter but he said no.. finally i saw ben and i called him over and asked if he could pass by my house super quick so i could change. And since ben is super cool he did. And i didn;t feel so stupid and fat. Then i got back just in time and saw saw everyone play. Stephen was so good, and adam was awesome too. And Smig was just freaking rocking it out... Then ashleigh got all pissed at me and i'm not even sure why myself. Except for the afct tht she thought this dude was hott. And she wanted to tell him he did well and i wanted to stay there and listen so i told her go without me and i would be there in a minute and then she was like no.. blah blah. And so the guy walked over so i thought hey if i say somethig maybe she will but in and be like yea u were awsoem whats ur name type thing... unstead she thinks i did it so he would like me more... who likes fat ugly chicks anyway.
This pass month my self esteem has like risen so much, and now, today, it dropped so much...... now i'm depressed. Am i really that fat? is taht why i can't get the guys i want?? I hate my life. i'm gonna go now, prob cry myself to sleep...... is it wrong i wanna get the box cutter out one more time???
the fear that i will go abck to my old ways of releasing pain